past...

Narcissus flower


Lets go…

The things I loved I am allowed to keep, the rest of baggage can be split equally. You can take the days, I will hold on to the nights... Remember to clean the closet, I will hide the scars in my bags, you can take the bitterness. We can leave behind the paraphernalia..

We can often revisit that familiarity of past and awkwardness of change until we forget our way.

Let go..

identity

Queen Esther

The lost identity, struggling to discover who you are.! Traces of who you wanted to be and faded memories of who you were..
Deriving a false sense of defined individuality and to struggle to “be”
Change is the intrinsic characteristic and yet in that transition to sort of classify each temporary shade of you as you.!

Its “me”, I am, I exist, I am of all the many things… I cant be defined! The clashes of each shade does finally merge into something that we call the “pillars” or the essence of that “transitory being”… the existence is complimentary to time and yet inversely proportionate to time!

I heard somewhere “the world desires maximum commotion” hence the only natural state is Disorder.. So we can conclude that our need of order is only anomalous! Existence of any sort (of or in) that chaos is only permitted!

nvm...

The search of reasons/logic/ideas/ sense…or we supposed to just live life?????
a) How much of sense and order does life have?
b) It can aaaalllll be justified.!
c) “Dispensable” is a word in dictionary/thesaurus both used and applied
d) The only thing that can be predicted is that we do die in the end..!
e) The goodness of all ancillary terms do not guarantee anything!
f) Ohhhh it is al sooo bloody Subjective!
g) God has limitations, Humans are but Humans!
h) All that we could do/not do by the end is just NEVER MIND!

I rest my argument, its all just too ironic!
Lot in control of something I have pretended to be, yet its only permitted to periodically loose that fragile control
Hmmmmmm NVM????
That sums up a lot of what I want to feel and maybe something I am feeling (convinced myself of the "nvm state of mind" I am in after due deliberations!)
NVM no really lets NVM it all….. funny how such profoundness has reinvented itself and spells “NVM”.. For now I refuse to invest my time emotions, love, attention, thoughts to anything that does not SPECIFICALLY convince me of its NON-NVM nature. To the rest I say “NVM” in bolds!
My pond of peace is a “Pond” not the endless sea not the endless ocean not d fertile river its just a small pond! The Pond of peace has peace of Nothingness! Devoid of wants, and not of intellect but of awareness! I am thankfully nothing and nothing is incapable of existence! Nothing in the world could do anything or take anything from something that’s already NOTHING.. so the only concept that could exist in synchrony with that Nothingness is NVM!... NVM shall we?????

mediocre life

From the fireworks and spectacular stars to the mediocrity of life…
Suddenly we are time bound…
Age they say is catching up.. The very first thing age teaches you is to compromise! Compromise and make do with the sky that wasn’t starry!

They say rebelling is a sign of immaturity while They argue what could be greater sign of wisdom than fighting all those rules you haven’t made.!
Unimaginative minds blindly adhere to rules…while radical minds get accustomed to change!

Rebelling you stand alone misinterpreted and misrepresented and you don't even have the solace of being right!Rebelling is not as transparent as being right or as effortless as knowing that you are blatantly wrong. Its foolishly complicated…
The misfortune of not knowing how to get used to all that never was! Fighting not just for a belief but also the mediocrity of life…!

red!

The theme is red… and they say its not love!
Fidelity?
Trust?
Exclusivity?
Monogamy?
Strange how so many of us our convinced that we were made monogamous!
We are committed by love! It not emotional its not physical! Its just about honesty!
Can we afford to be honest in a relationship and honest to ourselves
I always believed that cheating was a character flaw.! You weren’t tuned well!
But world evolved and so has the perception of it
We need constant stimulation! Sometimes the reassurance of all that we are!
And sometimes we need a man/woman to confirm all we think we are.
No matter what we might have, it will not deter us from wanting more- much more!
It’s a fear of knowing that we will have to make do with whatever we have for the rest of our lives even if we admit that what we have is a certain Angelina jolie!
Our eyes are a powerful medium!
Hot men and hot women will never go out of fashion.!
Physical stimulation is far essential than any mental stimulation!
No matter how intellectually advanced we get, jimmy choos and faragamo will never go out of fashion.
We need and the “need” is a powerful catalyst to keep us captivated by life! It’s this need that has gotten us bound..!
It’s a revelation of your human side! We are to be absorbed, slowly it will take over and life shall prevail!
You can take a stand it will do whatever it can to tempt you! A sip of wine never intoxicated anyone. Need persisted and eventually you were smashed!

fallacy

The little lies that we base on our life on… my father once said…believe the story and all its copyrights had been inherited.
“ its web we weave around ourselves “maya” … entangling in the attachment! Pinnacle of that arrangement is the immense security a child derives from his mothers lap, the world that derives its meaning commencement and end from that “Mother”
Then the partner, the attachment and the desires of carnal gratification “Husband”
and then the life that you give birth to its yours it’s a bi-product of you “child”!
you are bond by such deceptive attachment.! You are caught!

south park

To be a spectator, look at life as an outsider, like an episode of southpark! I am not and am not cynical to not get the groove of the perverted humor. I am guffawing over the irony because I am just a viewer and not a character. I am detached from the consequences and moral obligations. I am just watching!
To push life an extra mile jus to see what it could bring, how it could react! I want to experience.. I wish I could call myself a Carvaka a Hedonist. While I experience I am bound by the false sense of such subjective morality. There is persistent guilt of not abiding while perfect freedom has been the intrinsic dire need.
We are bound by existence, the simulated paradox of social constitution. Its mechanical the system of knowing all that’s wrong with the world and all that’s inadequate in all those around and to grow up! Growing up to get used to the world and forgetting the instinctive rights and wrongs and finally becoming flawed and damaged and not knowing how we were made perfect.
The glimpses of that unadulterated me and yet not knowing if its just a mirage!

stars light etc...

To hold something so close that you cant see it clearly!
The life that exists and being entangled in it blurring all the facts and fiction that might anyway be subjective!
Thank god for all those things that don’t go as you had wanted them to!
For moving on to look back and reconfirm all that never was, wasn’t meant for you.
To see them falter judging them yet closing your eyes to it!
To compromise with constrains of being humans!
Yet the intolerance of your own sins!
To reassure yourself that guilt is a consciousness that you want to battle that humanness!
The constant metamorphosis of the revolving lives.
And the resilient self that seems to find comfort in the fallacy of permanence!

reality

To be able to realize the subtle difference between the world of reality and all that’s not real! The process of looking through life through a frame and knowing the incapacity of life to furnish all answers! We have to realize how much significance to attach with it.. concept of “Maya” illusion! The false connotation that we derive reality from and portray each emotion with perfect authenticity that we start believing the pain, the happiness, loss!
It’s a phase and a temporary one! The transition from one part to another, from loss to attaining, from a child to lover and then a mother, from life to death! We are constantly revolving with the world from a reality that’s subjective to an illusionary mirage!

detach....

Strange how feelings alter…Detaching to realize how it all is so dispensable! Relationships where love is just a character in the play not the play itself!
The two lovers and love.. three separate entities!
The idiosyncrasies of each of them defining the pattern…so deep yet so fragile… love persists while relationships fade away…
How do feelings transform from "acquaintance" to "like" to "familiarity" to "attachment" and then "love" just takes over..!
Something breaks and you know some things are not meant to be..love cant sustain relationships!
I wonder if you hope so much for love then what you get in return is not love it’s just hope! N do we want hope or compassion or anything that’s like love but not LOVE?
is it possible to create love that is devoid of need? perfect love that is free of fear?
we are perfected in love..shedding the self and ego and existing in just pure LOVE!

today...

I am speechless with the humbleness of talent..! The talent that’s not of a reflection of its creator but the creator is the reflection of that whats been created!
Someone I know insisted I capture the exact feelings…hmm its difficult to be descriptive here…
Realized how my long sentences have transformed to vague broken scattered words..
Today started earlier than most days…in the city called “mumbai” that has the strongest presence.! Changing altering even the name isn’t constant! The aura of this city is always the third character in your life and moments…whatever we do or do (inaction is never possible here) the city is not just watching its persistently participating.
Took my bus ride (I will describe the irony of bus rides in another Blog) and reached the place I was supposed to meet “Sharmaji”. I called to take exact directions and he offered to walk to where I was to take me along. Have to say at 8 o’clock I was still reluctant to insist on finding my own way like the usual compulsive need to reveal my “independent” side would have!
There came a 80 year old person with the energy of 18 year old… he had walked to help me find my way with a slight limp and a big smile.
I was escorted to this footpath with a white curtain that took me inside a world that had been hidden from the noise chaos and traffic of this city.
Inside the little open space each group of about 5 to 6 students had surrounded their teacher “madam”.
I was greeted with unfamiliar warmth and I knew the curtains were necessary to preserve this little space in this city. I was awkward and unprepared for such uncanny warmth (of all the many things this city offers warmth is definitely not one of it)
The Madams were older than 60 and today we were celebrating the "85th" birthday of one of the teachers. The retain the spirit in that age in this city was a miracle and had to be celebrated! I was included effortlessly and I was a part of the “ASHA” even before I opened the curtain (the same spirit which was a reflection of MUMBAI)

.......................

Still and disoriented… the words seem to not reach me… I seem to be in a trance… I hear the sarcasm it doesn’t register… hear the mockery I don’t want to acknowledge it… I hear all they have to say about me, I try yet ignoring it is not a possibility…they are my people if they think this then somewhere in between all the misunderstanding must be some element of truth… I can’t turn away from the criticism for I know all his sermon couldn’t stem from malice or malevolence!
Have I really turned into this person they can’t even stand, so wrong, frivolous and vile! Deep down I want to block all these words…

stand up!

Proximity to all that could go wrong… mindless violence!
Are we too presumptuous when we blindly assume that we are not a part of that volatile world? And are we too lackadaisical to think we aren’t responsible and answerable!
the recurring terror attacks! death in numbers! and the complete failure of the world to make us feel secure and safe!

We are all owners of this world and hence vicariously liable for all that has gone wrong! lets stand up and take our share of blame!

vigilance! Did you check under the seat of rickshaw u took?? Did u check under your seat in movie hall??? Did you cooperate with the security guard frisking you???

To be tolerant of each other.. Of the views that we don’t adhere to.. to ideas that aren’t in synchrony to ours… to religion that we don’t call ours…

To not get accustomed to violence.. To all that is wrong… to all that’s not fair..

disparity

The spaces in between two people where they say love lies.! The distance between two people where disparity lies.
The physical boundary which defines you. The parts where you exist and that line after which stop existing. The lines that create biases, making us judge everything that lies outside these lines

Living in poverty, not just knowing need living it! Cramped up in spaces with overlapping existence...
Reality which is too painful to be real!
Dire Need….not of material but of survival!
The reason of mere existence is in dispute!


Living in richness and abundance…large spaces high ceilings…spaces where the self is lost!
Reality which is tainted by the tainted window glasses!
Absence of any real need! Living the vile existence of nothing consequential missing!
The false belonging to material!

The life of similar disparities!

hmmm...

To know the beauty of time…
To know that there is a time to sow and time to reap…
To know when to attach and when to withdraw..
To keep a part of you for you at all times…
To break down cry yet not crumble…
To know how to assimilate and collect the pieces when they still fit..
To sometimes just see the evident without having to see the other part..
To love with all you have yet to know how it all is dispensable…
To fall without reason even when logic prevails..
To know the limitations of each person yet accepting...
To laugh at the irony of it and get amused with the sarcasm of life ...
To know until you die you are alive…

........

Sadness that’s so addictive and profound and happiness that’s so frivolous.! Traveling deeper within yourself in that hour of gloomy hopelessness and detaching from all other realities and existing in vile disappointment. In that hour of despair to condemn yourself, criticizing the existence that seems worthless.
The sublime difference between pleasure and happiness, indulging into some vain activity to gain momentary amusement and the haunting guilt that could lie ahead.!

dark dark day!

Lump in my throat seems to tell me something…the night that passed to bring another darker night! Woke up to see that the lull the stillness of regret and remorse. How we fall into repetitive irony of failures. How we let these milestones define all we are and sadly who we could be!
The motion of life that’s subject to a stationary reference point called stagnation. I look at it not biased by existence. I give myself the liberty to fall...

gloom

Sadness that’s so addictive and profound and happiness that’s so frivolous.! Traveling deeper within yourself in that hour of gloomy hopelessness and detaching from all other realities and existing in vile disappointment. In that hour of despair to condemn yourself, criticizing the existence that seems worthless.
The sublime difference between pleasure and happiness, indulging into some vain activity to gain momentary amusement and the haunting guilt that could lie ahead.!
The bliss of fulfillment and the depth of sadness!
blessed are those who see the darkness of life for the dungeons of darkness run deep...untill life reveals its horrid sides you cant ever claim to know life!
for everytime it slaps you across the face hard you wake up to know what you are made up of!