You have failed me…

Yes, you crumbling old city, dying of your own lack of actions and deed. This dear city is stagnant and paralyzed by the ineffective anachronistic bureaucracy. The obsolete infrastructure is falling apart and the phrase “development” seems to be an oxymoron.

 It’s both strange and ironic that this very city takes great pride in being the commercial capital and yet the entire city seems to be in shambles. And the thing which irks me the most is that no one seems to be complaining!  So if have not seen a garbage dump within 300 metres of your house, its about time you step out of your air conditioned car.

This city seems to have made peace with the never ending trash, rubbish and the typical stink. So many times I hear my friends proudly exclaim “this is the Mumbai smell” .. (Oh so you have noticed this unpleasant smell??)

 So the best and the underrated irony of this city is its public transport. The buses which proudly calls itself “BEST” and the train which have lived way past its expiry date. Its self inflicted misery, if you have to travel in a train during the rush hours. If nothing it’s the clearest picture of the word “survival”, where there is little or no place for words like growth development and improvisation.

 So I ask myself- is it even human to share a space of 100 metres with 100 other people? Isn’t it gross violation of someone’s personal space? The idea of space in this big metro city is wonked, the idea of housing has been altered and a 50 sq metres is considered a “house” and for which you are fighting, bidding and saving every last penny that you have ever earned. The unrealistic cost for housing is preposterously ironic, it’s based on the primitive economics of supply and demand ratio. While the rest of the world would raise the basic question of value for money or the consumers need for quality, in bandra we succumb to high rentals simply because it’s marketed as the “hip” side of city and no one seems to know what is it that could be making it so hip!

 So then I hear certain nobody scream that “we don’t need outsiders in our city”, I am appalled with how unconstitutional that statement is, and how something so preposterous would take the centre stage in politics. Then a certain somebody shows up and says “I will shut all the night clubs and ensure no one partys to ensure safety” and I wonder if a fun harmless party at Zoe is the essential and critical issue which the city is dealing with.

 So enumerable times I hear people boost about the city’s resilience and fighting spirit, which I feel is often confused with sheer complacence only implying how inured we could be to all the lack that we live in. The place and time we are living in does not permit the city and power to still operate in the manner it does, and it’s strange that we are just being spectators, accepting and infact allowing such injustice and lack of order.

 It scares me that I may live in the world that does not demand change and rather closes its eyes to all the inadequacy and lack. But then I see the change in other cities like Delhi, Hyderabad, Ahmadabad, even Jammu and I can’t help but ask questions, why not Mumbai? The question is so rhetorical it almost seems like a pun! But I am glad I am asking questions and a slow transition towards demanding answers. The hope stems from our refusal to accept the way things are and that’s when change becomes mandatory..!!

if i could i would..

We have been preached through Ramayana that we were meant to operate within the Laxman Rekha that was drawn for us and the repercussions of disobeying such lines would only mean catastrophe. And to further comfort us, we were made to believe that such lines were drawn only for our safety and we were not equipped to fight the powerful demons that waited at the line to devour us!

 Each thought is head start to a limitless journey, course of which is but an experience. The end is where you draw the line and the line is mostly drawn or accepted by us simply because we presume anything beyond is not within our capability or control.

Hence limitation in most cases is nothing but our fear of what lies behind the line. What I am capable of, is a question to which the answer can be revealed only after I cross the boundary. The option or the choice is always with him who decides to comply or defy, either to operate within that framework of understanding or steps out of it to explore and redefine the very concept of his existence.

 The simplest and the most profound thing I heard was “you don’t have to be stuck at one place, you are not a tree” So the dexterous four limbs, those pretty eyes, a full talking mouth, and that powerful brain could not all just be a coincidence!

note to self

1. The primary difference between the protagonist and sidekick is his acceptance of being the sidekick!

 2.Motion is obligatory to experience

 3.Distance means displacement from point A to B, and there are infinite ways for it, may not always be the right, left or straight.

 4. What you say what you feel and what you do, need to be aligned and always in a straight line.

5. When he leaves he just about exists

6.There are a million ways of saying one thing, hence the word vocabulary!

7.Clarity and confusion are not the opposite, confusion and understanding are.

8.Purple is so closely related to red but you need red to make purple!

9. sometimes "I" act as the second and third person!

 10. All precise notes have 10 points.

Spell check

The time to do a spell check!

So all the same old issues still exist, they haven’t been repaired, forgotten or erased from the memory.
Ample suggestions and advice's were given, not necessarily well received but never the less heard and acknowledged. One very prevalent view was that I fight these issues, go face them, and even defeat them but fear has been a constant companion through it all.
opening the closet sometimes means all the mess comes falling down and then there is no escape but to patiently invest time in meticulously folding each piece of clothing, stacking them up and throwing old junk, and crying unstoppably over missing things and worrying over your favorite jeans that refuses to fit.
 How are you going to face the issues fight them defeat them, and that thought gives birth to a set of not so controversial views that I have detailed herein. This is where I rather give a disclaimer, on lines of how all the views expressed by me are just mine, they are not necessarily correct, true or applicable! So the first most popular, well propagated view of fighting the demons is through Mr./ Ms/ Omnipresent God. His PR team seems to be super efficient, he reaches where no one does, offer solutions which noone else does, all pervading all powerful add omnipotent to that. Story goes David fought goliath! Remember how his issues were huge, powerful, equipped with cool fighting gears and David had Jesus in this team fighting for him. Bottom line, pray-thank-kiss ass and eventually god may come to rescue. Lets not go to the controversial, then why do people die, get divorced, are born ugly and have issues on the first place. Then comes the theory of “karma”, which clearly promotes, actions which are good, the overused “you shall reap what you sow”.! Remember How Arjun was so caught up in his confusions and issues and how Krishna explained this theory. So they say humans are bound to do only Karma without the fhal ki icha/Apeksha. Murphy has tried hard to propagate alternate views and they have been rather convincing. Then come soul talkers, psychiatrist alternate therapies like talking to dead people, magical remedies, angel therapy, and a lot of other rather innovative therapies, where sometimes even the healer (more messed up then messed up people) finds enough messed up people who have fall for it and there Mr. Healer finds his solace (oh yes my child we are all messed up). So that what has given rise to “Rashika the healer” with the simple law of we are all messed up and more importantly “I cant really offer any solutions” I can only talk to you. The understanding of your issues and the acceptance of the scars is the only solutions sometimes. As situational as Happiness may seem it is mostly innate. And as distant the faith may look sometimes all it takes is just believing! So vent if you may, I may not repair, neither heal but we may together reach that clarity that you have been striving for! So the only thing we are all looking for is happiness, the places where we find them is where the issues lie..! Love, career, money, clothes, beauty are only deception, the motive is not any of it! Alibi’s may be essential to live through monotony but the issue arises when the Real object is lost in alibi’s! So while we need pretty clothes, successful careers and loving husbands, they are not the center of happiness, they are means but not the happiness! Repairing is not instant, it’s a process, it’s an art you learn neither inherit nor magically imbibe! The process is rather a slow one, its what the essence of life is hence needs patience, hard work, effort, righteousness, faith and lots of other basic tools that we need to live life..! All said and written, there is no rule/ solution that doesn’t have exceptions.. Everything anyone can ever say is subjective and the universal applicability of it highly debatable.

if

For once I want perfection…
Perfection that’s boring!
Perfection that makes it all unreal!
Shallow perfection!
Perfection where even if I want I can’t crib!

Happiness that’s untainted!
Happiness that doesn’t make me feel guilty!
Happiness that’s not reliant or contingent!


Love that’s devoid of all fear!
Love that’s simple!
Love that’s not a paradox!

Objects in abundance!
Objects that don’t reflect need!
Objects that suffice!


People who are not an alibi!
People who are tolerant!
People who are accepting!

Life that’s self explanatory!
Self that’s immaculate!
Values that are not subjective!
Dreams that are manifested!

the man who loves to wear lipstick...!

The world needs two things most desperately from each one of us… Acceptance and tolerance!
In the world that has pre-defined roles, set notions and a strong sense of rights and wrong. The gender roles of what ought to be and such a little space/freedom of any variations deviations from that.
In between is the story of a man who loves to wear lipstick…!
“I am Manifest Divinity, Unmanifest Divinity, and Transcendent Divinity. I am Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, as well as Saraswati, Lakshmi and Parvati. I am the Sun and I am the Stars, and I am also the Moon. I am all animals and birds, and I am the outcaste as well, and the thief. I am the low person of dreadful deeds, and the great person of excellent deeds. I am Female, I am Male, and I am Neute”
Strictly speaking the whole postulate of gender based generalization is only an aspect, a tiny speck of the broader bigger picture. The thought is yin yang of merging identities, the feminine and masculine which merge to complete union. How relevant is “gender” in defining the roles of an individual who operates on so many other more complex and abstract identity. Yet, we define normal within the that outdated social construct! Its only rational to conclude that the composite structure of that generalized gender characteristics do NOT apply universally. The beauty lies in being able to express that deviation from the so called NORMAL..
Hidden between the lines is a story of a woman who loved kissing another woman…!
The idea is to express that sexuality or the variation from the normal freely and happily.. Behind the closet where they forced to hide the essence of their true identity.. The cost of operating within the normal defined structure of what the worlds defined!
Acceptance of all that we do not necessarily adhere to or understand. She is not like me, but she is! The identity/ existence of different sexual orientation is independent of anyone’s acceptance, yet the non acceptance is a blatant ignorance of what is..!
Lost between the lines is a man who pretended to love another woman, he tried to be “normal”!

""myon"

I is all I have! I have to save me! I have to live with me!
Dual individuality-what I am and what I am expected to be!
Even if I try I wouldn't be different! Self absorbed, awareness of being, and conscious of what anyone could rather have me as!
The least? acceptance!
I cant be her! I must have tried! But turns out I can't be anything but me! I am only good at being me !
Belonging, assurance of knowing that I will have me, for me, exclusively!
Security that comes from the realization that I is all I have, everything else is just a mirage!
All that's within the head is "u".. The entangled thoughts, the idea of self, the sense of existence and the notion of 'I'.
I am glad I have the ability to express in words all that 'intricate vague idea' of who/what/where "I AM" in that moment! In the process of capturing the transitory idea of identity! I speak to the possible futures, me and all that I am going to be! What future I decide to make my present is in the hands of each phase of that evolving me!
Words are indeed the most powerful medium.. Each time I read the words I had addressed to the future me, I see the rough sketch of who I am capable of being! I see what I was and what I could have been, and I question if there Is any remote resemblance in that "idea of me" and what "I actually am"!!
I want to believe that past Rashika must have still been me. And for what I did to her I would want to give myself some benefit of the doubt! I did try to retain the essence of that 'identity' if and how much I have succeeded, only that little Rashika can ans!
The least I do is to constantly ask myself the question of if I have done justice to her and all her wants and inspiring dreams and her pure hope of the future!:
I know She is the only person I am answerable to!

Her ability to dream, hope, and distinguish herself from the rest of the world! She had some grand plans for herself! I do look up to that idealistic her to feel the peace of knowing that I did 'know better'!